Humor: I’m a Salsa Snob

Salsa with corn chips in a clay bowl

I’m a Salsa Snob

Is there a support group for this… with chips?

By Hillary Ibarra

While watching a commercial about some “popped,” “air-fried” or “baked” chips, I smugly commented to my husband, “I’ve never been a big chip person. Who cares what they do to them?”

“You mean as long as they don’t have salsa on them,” he stated pointedly.

I giggled, embarrassed. “Oh yeah! I guess I do eat a lot of tortilla chips.”
Eat a lot? That’s an understatement! I consider anything with “tortilla” in its name a major food group.

I was raised in Tennessee, but I married a New Mexico man. For the first 21 years of my life, I never knew what Hatch green chile was. Now I’m pretty sure those peppers can cure vertigo, sciatica and a tough case of the doldrums. I also didn’t believe salsa was a pantry staple. Now I feel deprived if I don’t have at least three varieties. “Red or green?” was once just an ugly Christmas sweater quandary. Now? It’s a vital decision that could change the whole course of the day!

I’m tempted to say, “And I’ll take red chile with that!” even when ordering at a Chinese food restaurant. At home, green chile sauce is my go-to condiment. And it’s not just about bottled heat! I routinely burn my lips with grilled serranos that I slather on steak and chicken. Trust me when I state that if we ever run out of tortillas or Mexican four-cheese blend in this house — the vital accompaniments for our salsas and sauces — I’ll know Armageddon is upon us!

Shamefully, while visiting other people’s homes, I can’t help but judge their taste by the quality of their salsa. Instead of snooping in their medicine cabinets, I slyly rummage around in their pantries, snickering whenever I find anything labeled “mild” or “medium.”

Where is that girl from Tennessee who appreciated bland food and ate ordinary white bread with her meat?

Too many tortilla chips with salsa did her in!